Jokes Only

Cuttingum Shavingum

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
...................................................................

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
..........................................................................

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
..........................................................................

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
..........................................................................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
..........................................................................

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

------------------------------------------

Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
----------------------------------------------------
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'
is
a sick eagle."

---------------------------------------------------
Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

----------------------------------------------------

A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder. ..louder. ..louder!

7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.... ........"

9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him the CITIBANK call center number.

Murphy's Law of Copiers:
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Becker's Law:
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.

Belle's Constant:
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.

Benchley's Law:
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Brooks's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Cannon's Comment:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Coolidge's Immutable Observation:
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Committee Rules:
1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3. Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

Conway's Law #1
If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.

Conway's Law #2
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. -> This person must be fired.

Cook's Law:
Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.

Cropp's Law:
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Kelly's Law:
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

Nick the Greek's Law:
All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against.

Professional's Law:
Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Heller's observation :
I love work. I can sit and watch it done for hours.

Clyde's Law :
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Crane's Rule :
There are three ways to get something done:
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Weiler's Law :
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Moer's Truism :
The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sledge dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.

Once santa singh sardarji was taking rest in a beach . . .
An English man came 2 him and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Sardar replied : "NO! I'm Santa singh" . . .
After sometime another English man came and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Sardar replied :"NO! I'm santa singh"
. . . After that he got fed up when again a English man asked that ...
so he left that place in anger . . .
After leaving the place, while he was walking,
he saw one Englishman sitting aside alone ..
He went near him and asked the man "Are u relaxing?".
The Englishman replied "YES! I'm relaxing" . . .
SARDARJI GAVE HIM 2 SLAPS AND SAID " All are searching for u there and u are sitting here alone! " ..

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

...I had amnesia once -- or twice.

...I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

...Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

...All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

...If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

...What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

...One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

...My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

...The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

...How can there be self-help "groups"?

...If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

...Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the
one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail.

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible
for everything that goes wrong

18. Until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and
Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your
desk.

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman
arrives.

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist
to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

36. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last
10% takes the other 90% of the time.

37. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work
nights.

38. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.

39. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.

40. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

41. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

42. Following the rules will not get the job done.

43. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

44. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in a hard days work.

School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days.

So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is."

A few minutes later, the boy returns.

"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.

"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.

"At me? Whatever for?"

"Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is."

There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport

terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman

bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But

this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative

assistant's face appears.

He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!

The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"

"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman

explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's

brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.

The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this

watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was

handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.

The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."

The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are

the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't they're born that way!

Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!

Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!

Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the computer screen!

Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone!

Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!

Q: How do you really confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!

Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered!

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!

Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!

Q: What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?
A: A blonde at a blinking red light.

Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!

Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!

Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!

Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff!

Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!

Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture!

Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!

Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!

Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations!

Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A Wind Tunnel!

Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!

Q: how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?
A: she got cold and turned off the fan.

Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they've never met!

Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.

Q: What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A: She was raking leaves.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!

Q: Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A: They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.

Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"

7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."

20. And The Final
Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This as E-mail To
Someone To Make Them Smile.

It's Called Therapy

An American and a Russian were aruging about their freedom to talk in their countries.

American : We have such a freedom that We can shout that George Bush is
an idiot in front of our White House.

Russian : This is nothing. We have some more advanced freedom than this.
We can shout infront of our President himself that George Bush is
an idiot and get a reward also. Do you have such freedom?

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?"



The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

**Dress Code ***
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary.If we see you wearing Prada shoes and
carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and
herefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.

**Sick Days ***
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
> >**Annual Leave Days ***
*Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a
year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

**Bereavement Leave ***
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.

**Toilet Use ***
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the Chronic
offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental
health policy.

**Lunch Break ***
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation' s, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.

**THE MANAGEMENT**

Joke: A Football Fan

A young man was watching football. He noticed an empty seat in front of him.

It was a better seat than his. At half-time he went down to the empty seat.

He asked the old man sitting next to the empty one if it was okay if he sit there.

No problem, said the old man.

It was my wife's seat, but she's dead. We've been to every home match together for 40 years, and always had these two seats.

A tear rolled down the old man's cheek.

Don't you have a friend, or someone from your family, who'd come with you?
The young man asked, gently.

The old man wiped his eyes and said yes, but not today. They are all at my wife's funeral.

1.
Why don't you come to office with your car, madam?
Oh dear, I do not have sufficient money to buy petrol every day!! I purchased the car to envy my neighbor!
*****
2.
When you have so much wealth, why don't you buy a mobile phone, sir?
No one phones me, dear !!
*****
3.
Your teenaged daughter makes faces at me!!
Becuase you 56-year-old-butler said that you want to marry her!
*****
4.
I can't believe that you are B.Sc.!!
Of course, I am!
Then which subjects did you take in B.Sc.?
Arts!
*****
5.
Can you tell me something about tourism industry in Goa?
Yes, Sir! That the 'phonren' tourists bring in a lot of phoren exchange to Goa!
*****
6.
What will you do if I die before you, my sweet heart?
I shall be the first one to come to your funeral!
*****
7.
Your command of English is very poor - how did you pass your graduation?
By copying, sir!!

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Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.



The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.