Sunday, September 30, 2007
Old Woman
A woman is worried about an older woman, a widow, who lives in the apartment next door. She hasn't heard anything from her for a few days.
So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is."
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.
"At me? Whatever for?"
"Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is."
So she tells her son, "I want you to go next door and see how ol' Mrs. Pierpoint is."
A few minutes later, the boy returns.
"Well, is she all right?" the mother asks.
"She's fine, but she's annoyed with you," he says.
"At me? Whatever for?"
"Well," says her son, "Mrs. Pierpoint told me it's none of your business how old she is."
The watch
There was a gentleman walking with two heavy suitcases in an airport
terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman
bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But
this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative
assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman
explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's
brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this
watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was
handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are
the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.
terminal. Someone approached and asked him what time it was. The gentleman
bends down to park the two heavy suitcases and stares at his watch. But
this was no ordinary watch! He touches a tiny button and his administrative
assistant's face appears.
He asks her, "Mary, what time is it?" Mary answers instantly and with a smile!
The questioner is thoroughly impressed!!!
He asks, "What kind of a watch is that?"
"It's like a TV with two-way real-time communication," the gentleman
explains. He adds that the watch is the latest technology with Intel's
brand new 128-bit chip with processor speed of 10 Gigahertz.
The onlooker is now quite impressed and wanted to know if he could buy this
watch from the gentleman. They agree on a heavy price and the cash was
handed immediately. The gentleman takes his watch out and hands it over and then walks away.
The new owner stares at the two heavy suitcases and shouts, "Sir, you forgot your suitcases."
The gentleman stops, smiles, and replies, "No, they are yours now. They are
the modems you always need to carry for your new watch.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Blonde Jokes
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't they're born that way!
Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!
Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the computer screen!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone!
Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!
Q: How do you really confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered!
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!
Q: What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?
A: A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations!
Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A Wind Tunnel!
Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
Q: how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?
A: she got cold and turned off the fan.
Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they've never met!
Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.
Q: What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A: She was raking leaves.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!
Q: Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A: They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.
Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional
A: You don't they're born that way!
Q: Why did the blonde stare at a frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said "concentrate"!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Very Gifted!
Q: How can you tell a blonde has been using your computer?
A: There is white-out all over the computer screen!
Q: How do blonde braincells die?
A: Alone!
Q: How do you give a blonde a brain transplant?
A: Blow in her ear!
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday!
Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions!
Q: How do you really confuse a blonde?
A: Put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner!
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out!
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered!
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought!
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run...she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!
Q: Why did the blonde climb over the chain link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side!
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house!
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade!
Q: What goes "vroom - screech | vroom-screech | vroom-screech"?
A: A blonde at a blinking red light.
Q: What do you call a blonde that dyes her hair brunette?
A: Artificial intellegence
Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe!
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her 2 weeks to figure out that you could play it at night!
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold!
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the # 11???
A: She didn't know which 1 came first!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the fish?
A: She tried to drown it!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff!
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it!
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads!
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees!
Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations!
Q: What do you get when you put 20 blonde's ear to ear?
A: A Wind Tunnel!
Q: How do you drown a dumb blonde?
A: Put a scratch and sniff sticker on the bottom of the pool!
Q: how did the blonde wreck the hellicopter?
A: she got cold and turned off the fan.
Q: What did the blondes right leg say to her left leg?
A: Nothing, they've never met!
Q:What do you call a blonde behind the steering wheel?
A: An airbag.
Q: What was the blonde doing up in the tree?
A: She was raking leaves.
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A :You pick it up, pull the pin, and throw it back!!!
Q: Why can't blondes make kool-aid?
A: They don't understand how to get the 2 quarts of water into the little package.
Q: Three people were walking down the street. Santa Clause, a smart blonde, and a dumb blonde. They all saw a ten dollar bill on the sidewalk. Who got it?
A: The dumb blonde got it because the other two are fictional
20 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final
Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This as E-mail To
Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy
a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.
2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.
3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries
with that.
4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In."
5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten
Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Smuggling
Diamonds"
7. Finish All Your sentences with "In Accordance With The Prophecy."
8. Don t use any punctuation
9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious face.
11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."
12. Sing Along At The Opera
13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme
14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical
Sounds All Day.
15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party
Because You're Not In The Mood.
16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock
Bottom.
17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"
18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,
Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"
19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going
To Have To Let One Of You Go."
20. And The Final
Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......Send This as E-mail To
Someone To Make Them Smile.
It's Called Therapy
Liberty in US and Russia
An American and a Russian were aruging about their freedom to talk in their countries.
American : We have such a freedom that We can shout that George Bush is
an idiot in front of our White House.
Russian : This is nothing. We have some more advanced freedom than this.
We can shout infront of our President himself that George Bush is
an idiot and get a reward also. Do you have such freedom?
American : We have such a freedom that We can shout that George Bush is
an idiot in front of our White House.
Russian : This is nothing. We have some more advanced freedom than this.
We can shout infront of our President himself that George Bush is
an idiot and get a reward also. Do you have such freedom?
Friday, September 28, 2007
Pious man
A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the rabbi asked; "How come after all these years we don't see you at services any more?"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105, so I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Very important notice to all employees
**Dress Code ***
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary.If we see you wearing Prada shoes and
carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and
herefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
**Sick Days ***
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
> >**Annual Leave Days ***
*Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a
year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
**Bereavement Leave ***
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
**Toilet Use ***
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the Chronic
offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental
health policy.
**Lunch Break ***
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation' s, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
**THE MANAGEMENT**
It is advised that you come to work dressed according
to your salary.If we see you wearing Prada shoes and
carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well
financially and therefore do not need a raise. If
you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your
money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and
herefore you do not need a raise. If you dress
just right, you are right where you need to be and
therefore you do not need a raise.
**Sick Days ***
We will no longer accept a doctors statement as proof
of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you
are able to come to work.
> >**Annual Leave Days ***
*Each employee will receive 104 Annual Leave days a
year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
**Bereavement Leave ***
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing
you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers.
Every effort should be made to have non-employees
attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should
be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to
allow you to work through your lunch hour and
subsequently leave one hour early.
**Toilet Use ***
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.
There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will
sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the
stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
After your second offence, your picture will be posted
on the company bulletin board under the Chronic
offenders category. Anyone caught smiling in the
picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental
health policy.
**Lunch Break ***
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need
to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal
size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced
meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people
get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time
needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here
to provide a positive employment experience.
Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns,
complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations,
contemplation' s, consternation and input should be
directed elsewhere.
**THE MANAGEMENT**
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Joke: A Football Fan
Joke: A Football Fan
A young man was watching football. He noticed an empty seat in front of him.
It was a better seat than his. At half-time he went down to the empty seat.
He asked the old man sitting next to the empty one if it was okay if he sit there.
No problem, said the old man.
It was my wife's seat, but she's dead. We've been to every home match together for 40 years, and always had these two seats.
A tear rolled down the old man's cheek.
Don't you have a friend, or someone from your family, who'd come with you?
The young man asked, gently.
The old man wiped his eyes and said yes, but not today. They are all at my wife's funeral.
A young man was watching football. He noticed an empty seat in front of him.
It was a better seat than his. At half-time he went down to the empty seat.
He asked the old man sitting next to the empty one if it was okay if he sit there.
No problem, said the old man.
It was my wife's seat, but she's dead. We've been to every home match together for 40 years, and always had these two seats.
A tear rolled down the old man's cheek.
Don't you have a friend, or someone from your family, who'd come with you?
The young man asked, gently.
The old man wiped his eyes and said yes, but not today. They are all at my wife's funeral.
Jokes - Why did you buy a car ?
1.
Why don't you come to office with your car, madam?
Oh dear, I do not have sufficient money to buy petrol every day!! I purchased the car to envy my neighbor!
*****
2.
When you have so much wealth, why don't you buy a mobile phone, sir?
No one phones me, dear !!
*****
3.
Your teenaged daughter makes faces at me!!
Becuase you 56-year-old-butler said that you want to marry her!
*****
4.
I can't believe that you are B.Sc.!!
Of course, I am!
Then which subjects did you take in B.Sc.?
Arts!
*****
5.
Can you tell me something about tourism industry in Goa?
Yes, Sir! That the 'phonren' tourists bring in a lot of phoren exchange to Goa!
*****
6.
What will you do if I die before you, my sweet heart?
I shall be the first one to come to your funeral!
*****
7.
Your command of English is very poor - how did you pass your graduation?
By copying, sir!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
Why don't you come to office with your car, madam?
Oh dear, I do not have sufficient money to buy petrol every day!! I purchased the car to envy my neighbor!
*****
2.
When you have so much wealth, why don't you buy a mobile phone, sir?
No one phones me, dear !!
*****
3.
Your teenaged daughter makes faces at me!!
Becuase you 56-year-old-butler said that you want to marry her!
*****
4.
I can't believe that you are B.Sc.!!
Of course, I am!
Then which subjects did you take in B.Sc.?
Arts!
*****
5.
Can you tell me something about tourism industry in Goa?
Yes, Sir! That the 'phonren' tourists bring in a lot of phoren exchange to Goa!
*****
6.
What will you do if I die before you, my sweet heart?
I shall be the first one to come to your funeral!
*****
7.
Your command of English is very poor - how did you pass your graduation?
By copying, sir!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."
I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a lesson.
The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.
