Wednesday, October 3, 2007


Some old jokes

Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.

Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!

Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.

Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

------------------------------------------------ --

Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born


Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.


Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!


Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
Son: That's why I say she's no good!


Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'
a sick eagle."

Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."


A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"


10 ways to stop those credit card sales

1. After the telemarketer finishes speaking, ask him/her to marry you.

2. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment, and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back.

3. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

4. Tell them it is dinner time, BUT ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

5. Tell them that all business goes through your agent, and hand the phone to your five year old child.

6. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up...louder. ..louder. ..louder!

7. Tell them to speak very slowly because you want to write every word down.

8. If they start out with, "How are you today?", say "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems.... ........"

9. Cry out in surprise, "Helen, is that you? I've been hoping you'd call! How is the family?" When they insist they are not Helen, tell them to stop joking. This works especially well if the telemarketer is really MALE.

10. Tell the HSBC call center guy to call on your office number. - and give him the CITIBANK call center number.

Tuesday, October 2, 2007


Cool Laws

Murphy's Law of Copiers:
The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Becker's Law:
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.

Belle's Constant:
The ratio of time involved in work to time available for work is usually about 0.6.

Benchley's Law:
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.

Brooks's Law:
Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Cannon's Comment:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Coolidge's Immutable Observation:
When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.

Committee Rules:
1. Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
2. Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
3. Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
4. When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
5. Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.

Conway's Law #1
If you assign N persons to write a compiler you'll get a N-1 pass compiler.

Conway's Law #2
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. -> This person must be fired.

Cook's Law:
Much work, much food; little work, little food; no work, burial at sea.

Cropp's Law:
The amount of work done varies inversely with the amount of time spent in the office.

Kelly's Law:
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.

Nick the Greek's Law:
All things considered, life is 9-to-5 against.

Professional's Law:
Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.

Heller's observation :
I love work. I can sit and watch it done for hours.

Clyde's Law :
If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.

Crane's Rule :
There are three ways to get something done:
do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Weiler's Law :
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Moer's Truism :
The trouble with most jobs is the resemblance to being in a sledge dog team. No one gets a change of scenery, except the lead dog.



Once santa singh sardarji was taking rest in a beach . . .
An English man came 2 him and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Sardar replied : "NO! I'm Santa singh" . . .
After sometime another English man came and asked "Are u relaxing?"
Sardar replied :"NO! I'm santa singh"
. . . After that he got fed up when again a English man asked that ...
so he left that place in anger . . .
After leaving the place, while he was walking,
he saw one Englishman sitting aside alone ..
He went near him and asked the man "Are u relaxing?".
The Englishman replied "YES! I'm relaxing" . . .
SARDARJI GAVE HIM 2 SLAPS AND SAID " All are searching for u there and u are sitting here alone! " ..

Monday, October 1, 2007


Idle Thoughts Of An Old Mind Wandering

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

...I had amnesia once -- or twice.

...I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?

...Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

...All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

...If the world was a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.

...What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

...They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.

...Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

...Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

...One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

...My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.

...I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

...The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

...How can there be self-help "groups"?

...If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

...Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

...Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


Murphy's Laws of Work

1. A pat on the back is only a few centimetres from a kick in the pants.

2. Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

3. The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

4. You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

5. Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will
happen to you the rest of the day.

6. Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the
one you are least interested in, and say nothing about the other.

7. When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking
about themselves.

8. If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a
damn fool about it.

9. There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the
boss asks for a ride home from the office.

10. Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there
would be so many.

11. Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

12. Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."

13. Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

14. To err is human, to forgive is not company policy.

15. Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is
supposed to be doing.

16. Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the

17. The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible
for everything that goes wrong

18. Until the next person quits or is fired.

19. There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is
always enough time to do it over.

20. The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization.
(For instance, The Murphy Centre for Codification of Human and
Organizational Law, contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T...).

21. If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really
good, you will get out of it.

22. You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your

23. People are always available for work in the past tense.

24. If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

25. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the
number of pens that person is carrying.

26. When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

27. You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

28. No one gets sick on Wednesdays.

29. When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

30. The longer the title, the less important the job.

31. Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman

32. An "acceptable" level of employment means that the government economist
to whom it is acceptable still has a job.

33. Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it makes it worse.

34. All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.

35. Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

36. The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last
10% takes the other 90% of the time.

37. If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work

38. It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say
you've done and what you're going to do.

39. After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of
the month than you did before.

40. People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.

41. At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to
the number of pens that person is carrying.

42. Following the rules will not get the job done.

43. Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

44. Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in a hard days work.



School: A place where Papa pays and Son plays.
Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse: A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage: It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce: Future tense of Marriage.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.
Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Father: A banker provided by nature.
Criminal: A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.
Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.
Classic: Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc .: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.
Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead

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